I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I wish there were birth control emojis
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
