All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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