I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
