Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
