Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
