May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
