I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
