Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
