Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
