M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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