I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
