Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
