is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
