Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My ATM looks so different sober.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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