just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm just crazy horny about you
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
