Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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