My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
