I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
