that's an acceptable place to lick
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
