hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
