We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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