Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
