I think I won the penis lottery.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
He has the fingertips of a God
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