I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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