Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
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