i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
