I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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