if you like me you must not know who I am
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
