I didn't shave. On purpose
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
