I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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