Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
