i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
