I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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