I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
