i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
