She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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