Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
