yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
