I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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