he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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