my vag is so smooth its legendary
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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