Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize