Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
