and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
