my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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