I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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