I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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