I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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