last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
