my phone needs a breathalizer
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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