I cannot find my penis.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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