I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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