I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
