My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
