she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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