she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize