There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
