what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
