gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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