So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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