I wish I could teleport
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
