Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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