Me. At least after what I've been through.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
